The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
