I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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