When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
