I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
