So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
