I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
