I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
