my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
