Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
