I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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