Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
