I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
