if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
