I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
