this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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