That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
