Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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