I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
