BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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