His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
