In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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