my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
