bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
