Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
