Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
