hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You are the jesus of drinking
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
