Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
