nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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