too bad you live with your parents still
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Someone came in the potted fern
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
