I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
