When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Edward fifth and chaser hands
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
