whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
