just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
