theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
