I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
