You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
