I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
