I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
