I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
