I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
there's paper in my vomit.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Randomize
