wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
