I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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