i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
