Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
