The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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