i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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