i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
