he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
