so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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