How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
