My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
